At times, I feel deeply aligned with my purpose, the flow, the energy of the earth that I can sense calling me in different directions. I am moving around, to the rhythm of a drum that lives inside of me and connects to the patterns of the cosmos.
During these times, I know exactly what book I need to read next, and each of the readings fill me with wisdom and enthrallment and light. I hit a stride with podcasts, and each one speaks to the pattern of thoughts I’ve been toying with but with more depth and substance than I could have managed on my own. I connect with people, land, and my work in ways that glitter in their own reflection. It all swirls in resonance, feeding the cycle of things that keep me whole, and filling me with energy for the next.
Other times, like now, the umbilical cord is cut, and I float, disembodied, severed from the drum that carried me just a minute / week / month(s) ago. I notice that within myself, I resist this aimless wandering feeling with ferocity.
As I am relegated to wandering about, I make sure my body is fed and cleaned, but I lack direction and connection in each physical space I inhabit. I don’t feel plugged in to the flow. I don’t take care of the spirit, because the spirit feels wiggly and evasive, hard to reach.
Recently, I have been wondering how much worse my own judgement of the situation is than the situation itself. Of course, all experiences gain a “good” or “bad” flavor from our judgement of them. Very few experiences, on their own, embody a flavor — a moral assignment without our egoic judgement of it. This is the foundation of Buddhism; we suffer when we live in our heads, assigning judgements to all things. We release ourselves from suffering when we release our attachments, and move into a space of non-judgement.
I’ve most definitely assigned the judgments of uselessness, waste of time, low value, and worthlessness to portions of time when I feel cut from the umbilical. I struggle to find worth - both for the self and for the great Journey we’re all on - when I’m in the Vortex of Float. I notice that I find my worth by feeling plugged in.
Who even am I when I’m not plugged in to the flow?
The noticings arise:
∆ Perhaps I have a fear that I don’t matter (I am not impressive, admirable, lovable, or powerful) when I am not connected to the flow.
∆ Perhaps I have an attachment to excellence. When I am not excellent, I do not matter, and therefore am not impressive, admirable, lovable, or powerful.
∆ Perhaps I have an attachment to conditional value: I am only valuable to this earthly plane in my human form when I am able to perform my work and communicate with The Flow as my directional current.
What does this mean about my beliefs?
ø I believe my value is tied to my actions & inner state.
ø I believe I am on this planet to contribute and grow, and when I am not doing so effectively I am “wasting time.”
ø I believe that worth comes from the approval of others (admiration, gratitude).
ø I believe love is easily lost.
As we read these fears and beliefs together (you, dear reader, and I), I believe that somewhere inside of us these claims land as clearly untrue. They land with a resonant ring of clarity: this cannot be true.
Responses to my fears:
∆ What if you matter simply because you exist? Do you think your loved ones only matter when they are connected to the flow? Do you think the animals or trees or mountains only matter when they are glittering in the fairy-filled sun of golden hour? No, of course not. What if you are not more clever than the intelligence that created you, and you let yourself to surrender in trust to her designs? You are her magnificent design, made of the same stuff as everything else you see in the natural world: part of a flow, whether you are thriving or not.
∆ What if excellence were a wave rather than a line? Is that not what makes it so delightful?
∆ What if value comes from a mixture of ease and strain? Can you focus on the ease for a moment?
ø My value is tied to my breath, in my creation by the divinity that created this planet.
I have inherited a value in being by coming into life on this planet. I cycle the earth through me, through my breath, through the water I drink, through the plants and animals I eat, through the sun I absorb through my skin, and then all that I release back into the earth. I tend this spirit in my flesh. I do not have the power to determine my own value, it has already been determined through its beingness.
ø I am on this planet to contribute and grow, but there is no wasted time. Even in the blurryness, the disconnectedness, aimlessness, I grow and contribute.
ø I believe worth comes from the recognition of the divine within myself. I tap into my senses and find recognition in my ability to experience the physical realm. I am here.
ø I believe worth comes from my ability to love.
ø I believe love is easily found, everywhere, abundant.
A few more notes to self:
If time, at least partially, is circular, is this disconnection part of my rhythm?
What role does lack of confidence play in actually aiding our functions?
In what ways do I want to cherish my refusal to linger in the connectionless wander? In what ways do I love my proclivity for momentum?
How do I make time slow down so that periods of disconnect feel nourishing, and help to move away from illusions of “wasting” (time)?
a note
Welcome, new and old friends.
I post 1-4 times a month here, always aiming to share the most pressing, urgent topics on my mind about other ways of being. I am so grateful you are here, joining me on this journey of re-connection.
If you benefit from this labor in any way, the greatest acts of reciprocity you could offer include:
leaving a comment or reaching out to me individually to tell me your thoughts
I love this
sharing the substack with friends and family
including a note about why you think they might enjoy it
contributing to the project financially
each article takes ~4-12 hours to compose
these loving acts of reciprocity allow me to create more space in my schedule to dedicate to creation
check out my 1:1 and group offerings
another round of dialogic circles will be arriving this winter, please reach out if you have a preference about it being over zoom vs. in person <3
Sending heaps of love to you as we navigate the earth realm together.
Thank you Maris. I often struggle with a sense that I don’t matter and that others affection for me is conditional on a flow of “excellence” defined by some a unknowable measure that is elusive and changeable. It would so great to believe in my value by virtue of my existence. I will think more on this. I am still caught up in conditionality.